3 Things I've Learned in My First Experience of Grief

Friday, 17 April 2020



As a woman in my early 20s, you'd think I'd have experienced grief at least once. But it wasn't until recently that I felt the feeling for the first time. I've been questioning the word 'grief' at least once a day for the last 6 months and how I should be feeling. Was I doing it right? When will it end? What am I supposed to do?

A bit about my experience


Last October, I very suddenly lost someone who was a big part of my life. She suffered a stroke that wasn't found in time. Whilst in the hospital a couple of days before she passed, It was as if my whole world froze. My body stopped working in the usual way and I had lost all concept of time. I had no appetite, I had extremely mixed emotions and I just felt disconnected. I hadn't experienced grief before and it was at that point that I came to the realisation that it was actually happening to me. I felt scared, confused and like I just couldn't go on. I didn't understand it. 

My outward emotions are so beamingly happy all the time.  I mask every emotion with a smile. Some of my university lecturers comment on how I'm still smiling during the absolute worst time of my life. My best friends describe me as a kind, friendly, sassy, fun-loving individual. But the truth is, I cry at home, I cry in the car and I pretty much cry whenever I'm on my own when a brief memory flickers through my mind.

Credit: Glitter & Grief


My journey through grief has been difficult. Not difficult in the obvious way. Not crying every day, no depression and no constant sadness. That's what you would usually associate with the term grief. It's been a totally new experience for me. I've lost family members before, but I had been too young to feel this emotion to the full extent.

I lost a best friend, a mother figure, someone who I had a one of a kind relationship with, someone who wasn't supposed to leave so soon at such a young age. I lost a piece of me that will forever be missing.  I lost a woman who chose to love me and accept me as her own when she didn't have to. She won't get to see me graduate. We spoke about my graduation ceremony not long before she died and we were excited. She was already thinking about what to wear.

It's been just over six months now, and I've sort of got used to the idea of life without her. God knows how I've got through my final year of university with this cloak of grief draped over me. But I have...just about. Today is her birthday, so I thought today was a good day to mark my strength and share a few things I've learned over the last few months. 

What I've Learned


1. Suppressing grief prolongs the pain

The first few days, weeks and months, I refused to press pause and let my feelings have their moment. I'm the sort of person to make sure everyone else if okay first. And this was no exception. But what I should have done right from the get-go, is just be vulnerable. I also threw myself into work and university straight away without so much as a day to recover. The thing is, I was never going to be able to hide from it, it was always going to find me. For me, it took about 3/4 months. By then it was like I was right at the beginning and everyone had already started to accept it. Plus, I was getting to a really crucial period in my life where I had all sorts of deadlines creeping up on me. I couldn't exactly pull the grief card months after it happened, could I? So in hindsight, I should have just let it happen to kick start the process. You don't need to be strong when the worst happens. 

2. Don't feel guilty for carrying on

The horrible truth about losing someone is that life goes on. Jobs resume, studies resume, socialising will eventually resume. They won't hold it against you, they will want you to carry on. They wouldn't want you to stop living your life just because they lost theirs. And if you're worried what others might think, then don't. I worried about this at first. I actually thought about quitting my job and postponing university because I was so overwhelmed. But I didn't, I carried on. I didn't forget, I just coped. Sort of. And I'm glad I did because it's made me realise how strong I really am. 

3. There is no right way to feel and no right way to deal with it

As I said before, this has been my first experience of grief. I had some preconceptions of how you're supposed to feel and act when you lose someone. I thought you might cry every day, be angry at everyone, be depressed for ages, not go out to see family or friends, talk about the one you have lost. Sometimes I just like to stick on a bit of Billie Eilish and have a good cry in the car. Sometimes I sit in front of a photo of her and just stare for ages. But then sometimes I go out and meet friends and do what makes me happy. It doesn't matter what you do or how you act, as long as you're thinking about how it makes you feel and how you are coping with it. 
///

 My journey is on-going. From time to time, I still lay in bed thinking about sad things and sneak into her room to sniff some of her Jean Paul Gaultier perfume. How you deal with it is personal to you. What's important though, is that you talk. Don't hold in your feelings. Talk to family your partner, friends, colleagues, lecturers. Keep talking. It will get easier.

 Useful links:

 Mind Charity: Bereavement 
NHS: Grief After Bereavement and Loss
Stroke Assosiation


The #HeartyNotes Blogger Spreading Love Through The Pandemic

Friday, 10 April 2020




When I saw in this new decade, with a glass of Prosecco in hand surrounded by friends playing games and huddling around an Indian takeaway, I could never have imagined the madness that is happening right now. What started off as a pretty normal year quickly turned into something rather surreal. These are very uncertain and strange times that we are living in, with the coronavirus pandemic reaching its peak here in the UK and lockdown measures being enforced.  Day by day it can be easy to fall into habits of not getting dressed, sleeping in, being bored all the time and just generally feeling low. I'm certainly struggling to adjust to this new, lonely way of life. It may feel like it's just never going to end. 

 Scrolling through social media platforms has the possibility to play on our minds, have us feeling like we should be putting makeup on, working out and being productive. When in fact those posting their seemingly perfect lockdown situations are mostly influencers getting paid to do so. Once upon a time this would have been the same for Mary-Anne Da'Marzo, a 26-year-old central London-based blogger, but has shifted her focus from a picture-perfect feed to a positivity platform that is lifting spirits during the reality of COVID-19. I caught up with her to find out the roots of the #heartynotes campaign and how she keeps everyone going in tough times.

I first came across Mary-Anne, A.K.A The Hearty Artist, last year when I went on a following spree In search of fashion inspiration.  But not much stood out to me about this particular blogger, until one day she posted a picture of a pretty little love heart sticker stuck to a dirty old broadband box just outside of a London Underground entrance. In the sticker read 'SELF DOUBT? Repeat after me....I am a badass, I have got this'. A very simple and empty quote to some spoke to me during a brief moment of anxiety about starting my third and final year of university. After this little boost of confidence, I decided to look into this #heartynotes campaign she had going on. Ever since then I've been obsessed with keeping up to date with the new quotes and locations these little pick-me-ups call home. 
Mary-Anne had an Instagram following of over 13 thousand when I first followed her but deleted her profile to focus on what really mattered to her. What really mattered to her, was not only her own mental health but the overall wellbeing of her loyal followers. "In January 2020 I started to slow down, to really look at some of the things that we're having such a negative impact on my life and one of those was the way I was consuming information on Instagram," she says. "I had got so caught up in watching fashion influencers share new outfits every day,  I started to re-create fashion influencer type content I had started to become a carbon copy of others by sharing new outfit ideas and styling videos". Mary-Anne had a very successful blogging career, working with big fashion brands like River Island and InTheStyle, but admits this is not what she originally set out to do. "I set out to inspire thought, positive change and good vibes, and all I was doing is promoting fast-fashion consumerism, and that felt yuck". 



Social media was also affecting her own mental health, and found that after scrolling down her Instagram feed she would find herself comparing her life with others'. So, with her own and her follower’s mentality at stake, she knew something had to change. "As I started to change the messaging on my account I could see there was a massive disparity between the audience I had built and what I wanted to create – so I started again, and it’s amazing". she says. Even though her follower count is currently much lower at just over 800, her engagement is much higher than her previous account. By switching how she presents her life and helping others along the way, she is really reaping the benefits of pulling away from the tribe of fashion influencers that dominate social platforms. 

"As i started to change the messaging on my account I could see there was a massive disparity between the audience I had built and what I wanted to create- so I started again, and it's amazing" Mary-anne da'marzo

 Hearty Notes started in September 2019, they are made in her Soho home and include quotes and mantras written on colourful heart’s that she sticks around central London. The idea first spanned after her time at the Burning Man Festival in Nevada. Burning Man is a spiritual and art-focused event that happens over the course of a week in the middle of the American desert. “There is so much creative expression in one place, whether that’s outfits, music or the incredible art projects”. You’d probably think of a festival as being either a muddy, messy British one or a glamourous, start-studded U.S.A extravaganza much like Coachella. But Burning Man challenges this, Mary-Anne describes it as so much more than a ‘festival’. Click here to read the Burning Man Festival principles. 

 Mary-Anne’s epiphany happened while practicing yoga at the festival. Here, she explains exactly what happened and what followed her experience: 

 “The yoga teacher Donovan told us all to stand up, wrap our arms around ourselves and say the words out loud ‘I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you’. I couldn’t do it! With tears streaming down my face, I didn’t know how or why I felt like that. I had no self-love! What I began to understand was that I had spent so many years feeding on the gratification of others that I actually didn’t know how to give that to myself. I had spent so long ‘faking it until I made it’, that I had allowed my self-belief, my self-worth and my self-love to be reliant on what others thought of me rather than what I thought of myself. It was at that moment that I wondered if anyone else had experienced that”. 

Mary-Anne at Burning Man


 “In a vastly digital world, it can be challenging to feel a sense of “self-worth or self-love” as there are so many ways we can compare ourselves to others and wish a change in our own lives. As an Instagram lover, I have always spent a lot of time on the platform. What I began to recognize is that in this digital world, we often forget to connect with people in the “real” world. We sit on our sofas browsing the lives of others and wishing things could be different, offering a “like” here and there but without any real human connection. We also forget that some of what we see online is a “highlight” reel of people’s lives, 10% of who they are and what they have been through,”
"I write things down that come into my head, things that have inspired me in the hope that they will inspire others too" MARY-ANNE DA'MARZO
“In shifting my environment to one filled with more positive words, an idea formulated in my head. Out of my attempt to amalgamate the two things I was very passionate about (human connection and self-love), #heartynotes was born. I write down things that come into my head, things that have inspired me in the hope that they will inspire others too. When I have built a little pile of inspirational hearts, I stick them around Central London”



 Now you’re probably thinking ‘How is she doing all of this during the coronavirus lockdown?’, well she’s adapted her love spreading process in order to prevent further spread of the dreaded C-word. “I’m still creating, people need love and support more than ever! I have begun to experiment with different media, using paints to create something different. I am sticking the hearts anywhere I find a place in our apartment to photograph them and share on social!” She’s also been hopping on her tandem bike with her partner to get out and about and stick more hearty notes around their city. Many of her notes have also been tailored for the tough times we are facing. Instead of being general messages of inspiration and motivation, they’re now messages of hope and solidarity. Some of these include ‘We will get through this’, ‘health is so important, look after each other’ and ‘NHS thank you so much’. 


If you've personally been struggling with COVID-19 related anxiety or low mood and aren't lucky enough to be in central London or even leave the house, then Mary-Anne has some tips that might lift your spirits...

"This is a little list of things I have stored on my computer for days when I feel low. It’s a simple step by step guide to pulling myself out of those darker days," :
1. MAKE YOURSELF A CUP OF TEA

2. REPEAT THE AFFIRMATION TEN TIMES LOOKING AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR 'I AM MORE THAN I APPEAR TO BE, I HAVE ALL THE WORLD'S POWER AND STRENGTH RESTING WITHIN ME'

3. GRAB A BLANK PIECE OF PAPER- Write down 40 things you can be grateful for in your life right now.


4. BRAIN DUMP-  Write down all the things worrying you and stressing you out, Highlight all the things you can control and how, Highlight all the things you can control and then scribble them out.

Over her time as The Hearty Artist, Mary-Anne has received countless messages of love and support from members of the public that have stumbled across her notes. “I’m always looking at the #heartynotes on Instagram to see what people have shared. It seems the notes pop into people’s lives when they need to see them most, and that is insane”.  By following the hashtag, you can see whenever someone posts a picture of the art they have seen on their journey out and about in London city centre too. 

You’d be forgiven for wondering what Mary-Anne gets out of all of this. It’s clear how many people she touches with these little acts of kindness, what with over 500 images attached to the hashtag on Instagram. But for this unconventional blogger, quotes and mantras complete her days with a mind filling sense of accomplishment and contentedness. “Imagine spending some of your days researching eastern philosopher’s views on the world, or reading inspiring stories or quotes. It completely and utterly fills me full of positivity”.  She explains. “Our brains are funny things, and you can go to bed feeling on top of the world and wake up feeling horrendous, antagonized by your dreams – how crazy is that! It’s so vital that we have these little ‘tools’ we use to stay happy and positive, and quotes are definitely that for me”. 



Mary has made hundreds of hearty notes since September. Here are a few of her favourite quotes: 
"A person who looks outside dreams, a person who looks inside awakes. I love this one because it reminds me that the only person that has to be happy with your life is you. I spent so long feeding on the gratification I received from others that I forgot to focus on the only opinion that matters, and that's mine" 
"Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you are absolutely right. The brain is so powerful, and we decide if we want something to succeed or not"  
"Nothing is ever worth closing your heart over. This one is from Michael A Singer who writes The Untethered Soul; this book changed my life" 


Follow Mary-Anne's #heartynotes journey on Instagram for daily inspiration and positivity

The Ultimate Guide to Oil Cleansing

Thursday, 2 April 2020


Oil cleansing hasn't been a very popular skincare craze here in the UK, but it had it's moment on Reddit in the USA a couple of years ago. It is also a fully endorsed miracle method by California based Aesthetician Nayamka Roberts-Smith a.ka the La Beautyologist. This is where I first heard about it, by following Nayamka on Twitter. I had followed her for about a year or so because I loved her straight-talking attitude and expert advice she gave to her loyal followers. I also found the public hate towards her arch-nemesis, the humble St. Ive's Apricot Face Scrub (which you definitely shouldn't use by the way, unless you want to cause micro-tears in your skin) amusing and fascinating at the same time. I just wish she was around when I was at school and that exact scrub was the only item in my skincare arsenal.



I bet the initial thought of putting oil directly onto your face is scary. Believe me, I wasn't convinced when I first heard of it, especially with my acne-prone skin. But there's a reason why a professional skincare guru like Nayamka raves about this curious cleansing technique.


What is oil cleansing? 


This method uses natural oils to cleanse the skin and naturally balance the skin's natural oils. This leaves the skin far more nourished and moisturised than a traditional soap cleanser, which can in fact strip the skin of these important natural factors. 

"Like dissolves like" therefore, oil dissolves oil. By using the right oil, you can cleanse your pores and extract the dirt and grime in the most gentle and effective way. When done properly and regularly, the oil cleansing method can heal, protect and nourish your skin. It can even tackle common issues like oily skin, dry skin, sensitive skin and acne. 

This may seem like the exact opposite thing you should be doing to oily and acne-prone skin. Many of us are guilty of depriving our skin of moisture when we have these skin types, as we think we are producing too much and by putting even more on it would spell disaster. But actually, by purposely drying your skin out and skipping the moisturiser, the skin works harder to replenish this. Thus leading to over oily skin and spots. Oil cleansing replaces the skin's natural moisture barrier and replaces the dirty oils with clean beneficial oils made from botanicals, vegetables and fruits.

How to choose the right oil for your skin type

By referring to the comedogenic scale, we can determine the right oil for each skin type that won't aggravate a problem that as all ready there. The scale determines how likely an oil is to clog your pores:  
  • 0: will not clog pores at all
  • 1: very low likelihood of clogging pores
  • 2: moderately low likelihood of clogging pores
  • 3:moderate likelihood of clogging pores
  • 4: fairly high likelihood of clogging pores
  • 5: highest likelihood of clogging pores

For the purposes of facial cleansing though, it's best to stick between 0 and 2. Some of the best oils for the OCM are:


  • Jojoba Oil
  • Hemp Seed Oil
  • Rosehip Seed Oil
  • Grapeseed Oil
  • Sweet Almond Oil 
  • Evening Primrose Oil
  • Argan Oil

You will need: 

  • Oil cleanser
  • Flannel or soft face cloth 
  • Hot, running water


Method:


  1. Put a generous amount of the oil into the palm of your hand and rub together to warm it. On dry skin, rub all over your face. 
  2.  Massage the oil over your problem areas (anywhere you have visible blackheads and sebaceous filaments). This is usually the T-zone for most of us.
  3. Take your time when massaging, the longer you work the oil into the skin the more it penetrates your pores. 
  4. Once you're satisfied, take your flannel and soak it in clean steaming hot water. Ring it out, and place it over your face. It's easier to sit or lay down on this step. Once the flannel has gone cool,  you can begin to gently wipe the excess oil away. 
  5. Repeat this step once or twice more to ensure all the oil has been removed. 
  6. If your skin feels a little tight, take a small amount of the oil or a light moisturiser and pat it onto damp skin. 

How often should you be oil cleansing? 

This method is quite a gentle one, therefore you can implement it into your regular routine. However, you should listen to your skin as everyone has different experiences. Some may find that by doing this every day their skin can actually begin to look a little dry. So try it out yourself and you'll be able to decide for yourself how often do it. It can be done morning and night, but it's great in an evening routine due to it's calming and unwinding effects. Not to mention it's the best method to draw out all of the dirt and impurities from the day. 
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